At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
I can't wait. Forget the royal wedding. This is the most anticipated hookup of 2011.
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
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