Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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