I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
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