i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
What type of bandaid should I use on my clit
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
Randomize
