Just boiled hotdogs in bongwater. NOT a good idea.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
Randomize
