Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
Blood and glitter go together right?
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
Randomize
