i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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