My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
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