mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
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You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
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He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
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