I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
After going down on me he either said "there, it's over" or "there's an odor"... I couldn't hear him and was too embarrassed to ask him to repeat himself. I just got dressed, grabbed my bag, and left. So I don't think there's gunna be a second date. =(
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
Chris' response to jim throwing up was taking off his shirt and saying WHO WANTS A BONER
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
Everyone says I win the strip club
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
