so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
never play flip cup with pint glasses
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
I will pee on everything he values.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
