I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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