She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
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