just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize
