Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
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