I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
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