So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
I have been thinking about it and I am really glad we decided to order helmets.
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
Randomize
