I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
