I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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