She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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