I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
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