I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
Covered in glitter and dick. 2010 feels a lot like 2009.
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
