i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Randomize
