This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
I think a major source of concern would be the fact you snorted a shot. Who does that?
Randomize
