Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
Don't you think facebook is a bit pretentious, suggesting friends and all? No facebook, I would NOT like to be friends with a girl whose fiancee I have slept with.
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
Randomize
