Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
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