SEEEEXXX PLEASE
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
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