remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
everytime he calls himself the maxipad master i can't help but wonder what costume that would involve.
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
Randomize
