I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
this case of pbr just wont end. i keep finding more.
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
Randomize
