you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
logically I know i should probably study somewhere outside my dorm room, but if I do that then I cant drink and smoke half as much while i study
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
Randomize
