i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
just saw someone whip out a flask during lecture... I think I found a study partner
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
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