Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
Randomize
