Your dick is once again the conversation topic.
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
Randomize
