For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
Randomize
