we went to that german restaurant and drank out of the boots. Then I threw up into one
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
Randomize
