One of my boys faked an orgasm while fucking a girl tonite, w/ out wearing a condom mind you.
She caught him, and immediately put her clothes on and left.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
Randomize
