giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
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