mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
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