OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
Just went through ex bf's and hook up buddys and liked pictures of them on facebook. A friendly reminder that I will be back in for the holidays
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
Randomize
