dude i'm inner monologue high
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
he just quoted gucci mane to try and get me to give him head.
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
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