The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
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