I heard we made out
I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
normal stoners make pot brownies. gay stoners make pot chocolate covered cherries on a cinnamon graham cracker crust which by the way are very effective.
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
I just blew my weed a kiss
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
Randomize
