My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
Randomize
