I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
lol earlier she was acting like a normal gf... and then BANG! shes touching herself again...
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
we turned studying into a drinking game, she drinks when she gets it right, i drink when she gets it wrong. so we'll be out soon
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
