Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
Did you get any pics? And I can only imagine how inferior you must have felt knowing that somewhere in that room was a guy whose penis was the length of your forearm.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
Damn victory sex feels great
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
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