I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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