My Higher Power is John Stamos
I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
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