I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
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