even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
Too much gin, very little bucket
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
Randomize
