3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
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