my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
with all this snow coming, and no school, I figure why not try every possible liquor snowcone.
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
Randomize
