also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
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