if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
he said that weed should be legal but that particular bong shouldn't be. i stared at a clock for an hour and a half after i ripped. so logically, i completely agree.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
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