Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
Randomize
