But I'm halfway naked in a seductive pose! I just want to get this right...
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
Randomize
