A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
he's gonorrhea incarnate
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
