just survived the first fart of the relationship.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
Last time i carry you out of a forest
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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