if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Randomize
