Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
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I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
Our logic class started an hour ago, I walked out and found my sister drunk, sitting down, eating m&ms, afraid to walk in... I want her life
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
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i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.