I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.