I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no